By Kelly Broich Originally published as satire on Moron.com in 2015 Republished here to reflect original authorship and public record JACKSONVILLE, Florida – Geoff Gaylord, 37, entered the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office earlier today and turned himself in for killing his imaginary friend — Mr. Happy. Gaylord told officers he had

MADISON, West Virginia – Boone County resident, Jasper June, 72, was arrested today on felony charges of manufacturing and distributing homemade “energy drinks” containing the powerful stimulate methamphetamine. The Boone County drug task force raided June’s tree fort (June lives in 200 sq. ft. tree fort on his brother’s property)

COLORADO SPRINGS – Buck Dobson knows what it is like to suffer at the hands of pedophile. He was repeatedly molested at age 10 by his 19-year-old-sister and says the scars have never healed. However, the abuse inspired Dobson to spend most of his adult life working to cure pedophilia. For years, Dobson tried to rehabilitate

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Adam Moulson kidnapped an unidentified African-American woman this morning, but was quickly apprehended by police after he crashed his red Volkswagen Beetle into, ironically, another red Volkswagen Beetle while trying to get away. “He enticed the woman with a large candy cane,” an officer with Cleveland Police said. “Once the victim was near his window he threw

Baton Rouge, Louisiana – A 27-year-old woman was pulled over early morning due to a speeding violation. When Natasha Brown acted in a very suspicious manner officers decided to search her vehicle where they discovered $60,000 in cash. When officers asked her why she had such a large amount of

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Renegade geneticist Frank Anderson told the San Francisco Weekly that attractive women are the most desirable animal on the planet and that we need more of them. “Most human beings are extremely ugly,” Anderson said. “I’m so sick of looking at them. Hot women make the world so

SEATTLE – A Seattle man, who says he is Kurt Cobain, claims he did not die by a self-inflicted gunshot wound on April 5th, 1994. “It [suicide] was a way to get the media attention and all the stupid fans off my back so I could live in peace,” Cobain said. “But now I

PHOENIX, Arizona – Kendall Gastin claims she often loses control over her voice to the baby inside her. The fetus first took over her voice box when she was 2 weeks pregnant. “First time the baby spoke through me in its tiny baby voice,” Gastin said. “It said, ‘Mommy, you must have people get me everything I ask for,’ which

LOS ANGELES, California – Realtor Jon Base loves beautiful people, so much so, that is all he wants to see… at least, as much as possible. He and real estate development company, Painted Hills, Inc, plan to create a planned community in Los Angeles that only allows attractive residents. But is this legal?

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — A 19-year-old mother was arrested for cutting the hands off her 2-year-old daughter Thursday night. According to the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office, Alena Smith used a steak knife to cut off her daughter’s hands after the young girl continued to ‘pick her nose and eat her boogers” and then ‘made funny faces’ at her.” Investigators say a