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4 Things I Learned After Cutting My Own Hand Off

Last winter, Bob Smith (not his real name), decided he needed to cut his hand off. He walked into his garage, grabbed a power saw, placed his wrist on a two by four and buzzed the hand off.

Doctors attempted to reattach the hand, but there were numerous complications which made the surgery impossible.

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Bob says he cut off his right hand to stop himself from excessive ‘self-pleasuring.’ Here are 4 things Bob told us he learned from the experience.

#4. I Can Still Masturbate

I’m a Mormon and we’re not allowed to touch ourselves. I’m single, so don’t get to have intercourse with a woman as our religion forbids premarital sex. So I had been masturbating daily for twenty years and knew I was in serious hot water with God and Jesus for all that jerking-off. I felt like the only way to really show them I was truly sorry was by cutting off the hand that helped me commit so much sin. I thought by doing so I’d lose all desire to masturbate. I was wrong. After I got home from the hospital, all I wanted to do was touch myself. All I could think about was the hot African-American nurse I’d had at the hospital. I’ve always wanted to get with an African-American, but there is a lot of stigma associated with interracial relationships and I wasn’t sure if my religion allowed them. But anyway, I made it two weeks without touching myself — but then I realized, with practice, I could use my left hand.

#3. Cutting Off My Hand Hurt

I had it in my head that since I was doing this for God that it wouldn’t hurt. But, it did. Blinding pain. I was totally crying like a baby until the doctors gave me morphine. It felt like I’d doused my hand in gas and stuck it into a campfire.

 #2. I Can No Longer Work

I used to build houses. But with one hand it’s impossible to pound nails, lay tile — all the hands-on work you gotta do to build somebody a home. Disability would not cover me because it wasn’t an accident. I had saved about $3,000 over the years I had been working. I moved from my condo to a crappy $300 a month mobile home and I’m just sitting here doing nothing waiting for the money to run out. After that — I’m not sure what I’ll do. I guess make a cardboard sign that says I’m a war veteran and stand in front of the grocery store and beg for spare change.

#1. I Shouldn’t Have Done It

In hindsight, cutting off my right hand was stupid. I should have sought help from my bishop or gotten professional counseling to help me stop from performing sin on myself. Or maybe, I should have just a used a knife to cut my hand every time I thought about playing the five knuckle shuffle. Cuts heal, hands don’t grow back.

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