Moron.com:  You realize this is moron.com and readers will probably think you’re a moron, right?

Unique: Yeah.

Moron.com: Your name is really Unique?

Unique: Yeah.

Moron.com: That’s unique.

Unique: Never heard that one before. Hardy har har.

Moron.com: Why did you have sex with a Cabbage Patch Kid?

Unique: I was homeschooled in the rural Upper Peninsula of Michigan and there were no other kids around to have sex with. I desperately wanted to lose my virginity. I thought about asking my Mom to take it, but I wanted to avoid an awkward conversation. My Mom had bought me a female Cabbage Patch Kid and I became attracted to it and thought this is who I want to lose my virginity to.

Moron.com: Female Cabbage Patch? Are you a lesbian?

Unique: Trisexual

Moron.com: So how did your Cabbage Patch Kid actually take your virginity?

Unique: We did it on my bed one stormy night, lightning lit up my room, the air was very cold. Was very romantic. I was sixteen. She was three.

Moron.com:  Seriously?

Unique: What?

Moron.com:  It’s just–

Unique: Don’t judge me!

Moron.com:  I’m not.

Unique: Don’t knock it until you tried it.

Moron.com: I don’t think I’d want to try that.

Unique: You can get busy with Stacey if you want.

Moron.com: Is Stacey your doll’s name?

Unique: I can mail her to you. She’s $700 for the weekend. Mail back Monday morning.

Moron.com: You prostitute your doll?

Unique: I prostitute Cabbage Patch Kids for a living.

Moron.com: People actually pay for that?

Unique: Yeah.

Moron.com: Why don’t people just buy their own Cabbage Patch Kids?

Unique: Because I give mine unique scents I make myself and they’re sexier than the ones you can get at the store.

Moron.com:  Unique, it’s been great talking with you.

Unique: You have my email if you want to rent Stacey for the weekend. Stacey will treat you right.

Moron.com: Let me think about it.