SACRAMENTO, California — Sheryl Anderson, 44, said she wants the State of California to send her Ken Doll to prison for domestic violence. She has owned the Ken doll for two years and claims the male Barbie doll has a severe drug and alcohol problem and frequently “scratches her” when angry. “Ken gets absolutely loaded on Bud Light and marijuana and just

MARTIN COUNTY, Florida — Gary Linman of Hobe Sound, Florida really needed a ride home. He dialed 911 from a payphone (they sill have those?) to get that ride. —— 911 call transcript: 911: 911. What’s your emergency? Linman: This 911? 911: Yes. How may I help you? Linman: I got an emergencies. I

GUILFORD TOWNSHIP — Pennsylvania State Police, Chambersburg, said officers responded at 12:08 a.m. to the 1700 block of LWE for a report that three women were speeding down U.S. 30 on Walmart scooters. Police chased the three women into the parking lot of a Super Shoes where the women abandoned the

SARASOTA, Fla. — Timothy Bontrager, 29, has been charged with felony burglary of an occupied dwelling after breaking into a home, filling a pillow case with jewelry and ‘pet toys’ and then falling asleep in a running shower. The homeowner told police she heard the water running in her guest bathroom around

MADISON, West Virginia – Witnesses told police this week that they pleaded with Boone county resident, Audrey Ranch, 62, to stop hurting her son’s pit bull, but she refused. “Eventually she bit Pedro’s acorns clean off right there in the front yard,” a witness said. “Pedro hightailed it screeching like

BOISE, Idaho – Brad Burns was playing in Veterans Memorial Park with his two Chihuahuas when he witnessed a man dressed in a ‘meat suit’ attack another man eating a hamburger. “I saw the meat man run at the guy full force and knock him off the picnic table,” Burns said. “My first instinct was to run because I

By Kelly Broich Originally published as satire on Moron.com in 2015 Republished here to reflect original authorship and public record JACKSONVILLE, Florida – Geoff Gaylord, 37, entered the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office earlier today and turned himself in for killing his imaginary friend — Mr. Happy. Gaylord told officers he had

MADISON, West Virginia – Boone County resident, Jasper June, 72, was arrested today on felony charges of manufacturing and distributing homemade “energy drinks” containing the powerful stimulate methamphetamine. The Boone County drug task force raided June’s tree fort (June lives in 200 sq. ft. tree fort on his brother’s property)

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Adam Moulson kidnapped an unidentified African-American woman this morning, but was quickly apprehended by police after he crashed his red Volkswagen Beetle into, ironically, another red Volkswagen Beetle while trying to get away. “He enticed the woman with a large candy cane,” an officer with Cleveland Police said. “Once the victim was near his window he threw

JACKSONVILLE, Florida – Tito and Amanda Watts were arrested over the weekend for selling “golden tickets to heaven” to hundreds of people. The couple, who sold the tickets on the street for $99.99 per ticket, told buyers the tickets were made from solid gold and each ticket reserved the buyer a spot in heaven —