By Kelly Broich Originally published as satire on Moron.com in 2015 Republished here to reflect original authorship and public record JACKSONVILLE, Florida – Geoff Gaylord, 37, entered the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office earlier today and turned himself in for killing his imaginary friend — Mr. Happy. Gaylord told officers he had

AUSTIN, Texas – Top Right News reported a Texas man, unable to work because of his pregnancy, successfully applied for and received public assistance. He is allegedly earning $3,500 per month plus food subsidies and free medical services. Adam Smith, 42, seems to have been the lucky recipient of poor bureaucratic oversight, a clerical error or extremely lax standards. Texas officials have yet to

COLORADO SPRINGS – Buck Dobson knows what it is like to suffer at the hands of pedophile. He was repeatedly molested at age 10 by his 19-year-old-sister and says the scars have never healed. However, the abuse inspired Dobson to spend most of his adult life working to cure pedophilia. For years, Dobson tried to rehabilitate

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Adam Moulson kidnapped an unidentified African-American woman this morning, but was quickly apprehended by police after he crashed his red Volkswagen Beetle into, ironically, another red Volkswagen Beetle while trying to get away. “He enticed the woman with a large candy cane,” an officer with Cleveland Police said. “Once the victim was near his window he threw

ORLANDO – Jerry Hartman said his puppy, Jack, and his adult cat, Sparkles, have been engaged in a steamy sexual relationship for the last two months. The affair apparently started when Hartman came home one day to find his dog and cat doing it “human style” — i.e., missionary position. “Jack was penetrating Sparkles on the

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Renegade geneticist Frank Anderson told the San Francisco Weekly that attractive women are the most desirable animal on the planet and that we need more of them. “Most human beings are extremely ugly,” Anderson said. “I’m so sick of looking at them. Hot women make the world so

SEATTLE – A Seattle man, who says he is Kurt Cobain, claims he did not die by a self-inflicted gunshot wound on April 5th, 1994. “It [suicide] was a way to get the media attention and all the stupid fans off my back so I could live in peace,” Cobain said. “But now I

SAN JOSE – The Tate Institute was formed by Jim Tate, a gay San Jose, California relationship counselor who wanted to help heterosexuals become homosexuals. The idea was sparked when Jim Tate saw reparative therapy clinics attempting to turn homosexuals straight. “I saw reparative therapy and thought if they are having so much success… why can’t I do the

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida – Derek Mishov married himself last night in a Florida bowling alley with his daughter, parents and a small group of supportive friends attending the ceremony performed by his uncle. While the marriage won’t be recognized by the State of Florida, Mishov plans to challenge current marriage laws until it is.

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — A 19-year-old mother was arrested for cutting the hands off her 2-year-old daughter Thursday night. According to the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office, Alena Smith used a steak knife to cut off her daughter’s hands after the young girl continued to ‘pick her nose and eat her boogers” and then ‘made funny faces’ at her.” Investigators say a